Tuesday, May 16, 2006

To all those with your "clever parodies" of the photo of me with the katana, where you're holding screwdrivers, wooden spoons, and candy bars: Thanks. The lawyer says getting ridiculed is good for building sympathy for me. Keep them coming.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

In trouble with the law



But first a little background. Recently in World of Warcraft, which is a massive multi-player game I'm usually playing if I'm not at work, a member of our guild died in real life. Since most of us are in different regions of the country, attending her funeral in real life would be impractical. So we settled on a funeral in-game.

One of the guild members made a fake character that looked like her to play the corpse, and we met at Frostfire Hot Springs. The guild member playing the corpse had her lie down, and those of us who had some words to say took turns, just like in a real funeral. I was third in line, and I went up to say that though I didn't know the character, I did go on a raid with her once and remembered her casting heal on me when I needed it, which meant a lot. And as I was saying this, over the hill came another guild whom we were at war with.

They had read the post saying when and where our funeral will be held, and apparently because they play skeletons, orcs, and trolls, they think they can act like those characters in the game whenever they want. And of course they were able to find more people to come kill us than we could find to attend the funeral. So they won, and all of our guild members went to the message boards and demanded that their accounts be suspended, etc, and so did I.

But I went a step further, which made sense at the time, after all, I was the one talking when they made their attack. I told the leader of their raid group that I would find him in real life and kill him, and then I got out my digital camera and took a photo of me posing menacingly with my katana and photoshopped the caption "Death Awaits You, [his name]", and posted it on the message board. This will likely be exhibit A in my prosecution for making terrorist threats. Luckily some of my guild members will testify as character witnesses and hopefully manage to convey the brutality of the massacre so the jury understands my motivation for making threats like that.

If you'd like to contribute to my legal defense fund, please use PayPal

And NO, I will NOT repost the photo.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Mother



My reality TV debut was the other night. I didn't see it, but my mother did, and a simple "I saw you on TV last night" would have sufficed, but she thought it would be funnier to come down when I'm eating my breakfast and take my orange juice while making gorilla noises. I told her that I didn't think it was funny, which of course only encouraged her. So did repeatedly screaming "SHUT UP" at her, which was a bad move. Not because I shouldn't tell my mother to shut up -- that's almost the only thing I say to her -- but because she got a reaction out of me, which means she'll probably be doing the gorilla routine for at least a month. Though today she dropped the acting like a gorilla bit and settled on just making stupid remarks. I was eating a banana and she yelled across the room, "PUT THAT AWAY! THEY CAN SMELL BANANAS," so I threw it at her, aiming for the lamp next to her, but I actually hit her in the face. Oh well.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Reality TV



To promote my book, I decided on a somewhat unconventional course -- which, by the way, has worked for others but for albums and talk show appearances -- reality TV. After spending a few weeks going to casting meetings, I was invited to be on a dating show.

So I showed up at the office at the appointed time, and after a briefing by the producers, I was taken to an apartment and pointed toward my date's door. A zaftig blonde opened it, and on our walk out, she seemed nice enough, though when we walked to the show-provided SUV ( I was to drive ) she wouldn't get in. At first, I thought she was making some sort of statement on the environment, but I heard her yelling through the glass something to the effect that she needed me to open the door. So I got out of the drivers seat to go around and open the door for her, but she had already opened it and sat down.

"Sorry, I thought you were a gentleman," she said.

The producers mentioned nothing about opening car doors, so I let her know that, but I don't think she cared. At the seafood restaurant they took us to for dinner, we started to find some common ground in that we both watched a certain TV show on Thursday nights. But then, a screaming man in a gorilla suit ran to our table and shoved all our plates to the floor before running away. I choked on my Dr. Pepper and looked at the camera crew, who were trying not to laugh. This was about when I remembered a reality show called "Gorilla Match," which is one of those joke reality shows where they have a Blind Date sort of set-up, but then a man in a gorilla suit comes over and scares the hell out of the contestants. I never thought it was that funny or entertaining. Later that night, the gorilla came back, tripped me onto the lawn next to a sidewalk, and carried my date away. Then I got to go home.

My friend Brim tried to warn me about this sort of thing, but I didn't understand him. Though I get it now, it seemed like he was trying to come on to me or sell me drugs.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Thanks, fans.



I've done some research lately and found that there's no place in the world for literature. Comparing the viewership of television with book sales has shown me that people are much more interested in a TV show. They'd rather watch Battlestar Galactica with its explosions and shiny things than sit down and go through the trouble of actually *reading* something.

So I'll be using this as more of a personal blog from now on. To my fans I apologize, but maybe you should have supported me a little more instead of reading my posts and then writing stupid, unproductive comments.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

And we're back!



If you tried to visit the blog over the past few days, you would have noticed a "User has Violated the Acceptable Use Policy" message. That's because our friends at Blogger.com, in their infinite wisdom, had decided to flag my site as child pornography.

I didn't have any child pornography. Their reason is this: I decided to make the first chapter of my novel available for free on my blog, and in it contained a particularly steamy scene with a Human and a Siren from the planet Sirenia. So when I described a Human in an encounter with a Siren, I described in great technical detail the nature of a grav-chamber, the various plants that grow on Sirenia, and the fact that Sirens, like earth dogs, reach their full maturity in two earth years. Apparently nobody at Blogger read this part before they decided to read the next part, where it notes that the Siren involved is four years old. Which is roughly equivalent to 27 in human years, which they would know if they had bothered to read the entire chapter.

So after leaving repeated messages to their technical support, I finally got someone to re-read the post, and of course I had to provide the exact line number of the passage that exonerates me, because apparently the people at Blogger hate reading.

Thank you, my fans, for coming to my rescue.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Outbid Again



I probably shouldn't have lowballed this katana. But I guess if it's just for home defense I don't need one this expensive. Even the worst sword can decapitate a untrained burglar. Though for display purposes I want something nice. So it's kind of a tradeoff.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

FIRST CHAPTER RELEASE!!!



Dear readers, I am releasing the first chapter of my book. I've decided to take it in a space-erotica direction, which of course means that in order to keep children from viewing it, I'll need to collect a nominal $5 fee from PayPal.

Also, if anyone would like to meet me at Starbucks for a "release party", go ahead and leave me a comment.

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Dwellers of Athraxos



In order to get a better grasp of the world of Athraxos, you should first read this short guide to the races who live there.

First is the religion of the Sand Dwellers. They worship the first Sand Dweller ever born, who is said to have come from the egg of the egg-laying giant Xylox; his name is Xyloxsun, which in Sand Dweller language means Son of Xylox.

Second is a race of shaggy, buck toothed, green trolls, who appear to act quite wacky to we humans. They often wear bright clothing, and will often provide comic relief to those tough moments. They have funny, high-pitched voices.

Thirdis the religion of Sirenia. The Sirenians are a race of blue-skinned nymphs, all of whom are female, and they must mate with other races in order to reproduce. Most of the erotic parts of the book involve Sirenians, and I will charge $5 per chapter involving Sirenians. I'm sorry I must take this step, but I do not want children viewing adult content.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

First post! Woo!